5:38 a.m. - July 28, 2003
I had intended on washing Punkin and working on the fuckin brakes but obviously that wasnt happening. I had left the burds out in the AM while I was gone and the little bastards reaked havok all over my room. Harley was on my bed and I could tell Paco was into something cuz his feathers were all askew. My drum skin that I have up on the wall was on the floor and all sorts of shit was knocked over. So..no more unsupervised time out boys...your grounded.
Ya know as days go by and time passes things change. I think one of the most unfortunated things is when people do 180's. You think you are on a good groove then all the sudden ~POW~ true colors come forth. Basically I did something that I am not sure was the right thing to do. In some realms (for others)it is a great thing but in some aspects (things and actions that affect me and my life)it isnt. Unfortunately I cant undo it. Not saying that I would but even if I wanted to I cant. So I need to find a balance and become okay with what has occured.
In addition to that I need to learn to be alright with doing stuff on my own. Cyclops told me I dont need my hand held all the time and I am going to break that this coming Saturday.
I try very hard to always be the same, well at least I think I am. Regardless. I know I have my flame outs and such but I dont change really. We all have bad and good days, that isnt what I am talking about. I mean change completely, lifestyle, habits, the way you communicate, beliefs, actions, the whole package (this does NOT count when I am "TWITCHIN"that is a totally different thing). I feel like folks are like chameleons and they change to fit the environment that they are in. In doing that the outside world is blocked from them and in alot of cases they forget what got them there. I am not a chameleon. I refuse to be and I will not compromise the people and things that were important and meaningful to me before my environment changed.
Nuff said for now on THAT.
SO...tonight I am home...chillin...tomorrow I think Eric may come over for dinner. I am not sure. I can say I am ready for this month to be over. I need a break.
Also I think I may start looking for a new job. I feel things are strange at the office lately and I dont like the "air" there right now. So maybe its time to build and cross a new bridge. Go home? Naw...well maybe...Naw. Just a better paying job and an environment cleansing.