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7:36 p.m. - December 12, 2003
Friday Night Fiasco
Stunned...well maybe not so much. My mouth and my mind did it again I guess. I shoulda known after the "KK" incident not to put my diary link online for anyone to read. But like a jackass I had...and like a jackass I write what I feel. No my diary isnt some 'fluff' or 'comedy'. Its me...Its all about ME...if I didnt write this shit down I would go back on prozac and probably have had a major nervous breakdown by now...

I was supposed to have a date with Kurt tonight. I was really excited thinking he wasnt like all the others that are out there. I did alot of thinking about him last night and all day today and decided to blow off my usual night out at the bar to spend the evening with him....WHICH by the way I havent missed an ELC show in a while...

I came home from in the shower...and went to his house so we could be alone....and go out to a nice romantic dinner (which I am not a romantic type) and maybe just lay around and enjoy his company.

When I got there I sensed something was amiss...and he was very standoffish...well guess what...He decided to log on to the net and read my diary before I came over...And obviously he read a few recent select entries and just took them at what was written. But the best part of the whole thing is that he decided to tell me about it instead of giving me a chance at all. This man knows NOTHING about me, my life, my friends, my influences, my moods, my heart, my pain, & my happiness. Shit he had only been around me once.

SO heres what I dont get...did he really honestly think that I dont date at all? And what fucking difference does it make what I did in the past ...even if it was in the past few days. I was there...with him...and if he had really read anything he would understand that a second date is major and that I was with him on a weekend when I am usually with the posse'. I cant recall the last time a guy caught my attention enuf to pull me away from the gigs.

Now the thing is I really coulda liked him. But how can I now even think about going out with him ever since he has initally held my diary up and basically slapped me with it? I realize I run a certain risk having this 'out there'. And maybe this was a way to make me realize that being 'open' isnt really a good thing. Yea I lost what coulda possibly been a real hit. I walked away...but the wierdness was enuf to choke a bison. And I do not wanna feel like I hafta always be 'splainin everything...he would never feel right about me now.

I really coulda liked Kurt...I coulda. But now? Well chalk it up for another chapter in the fucked up life of a 'professional dater'.

I am gonna pull back with the crew and forget this whole dating thing til after the first of the year. I am seriously beginning to think I Am supposed to be alone...cest la vie

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