3:43 p.m. - April 10, 2004
In parenthesis are my responses OR...50 things Girls wish Guys knew about the 50 things Guys wish Girls Knew....
1. If you want to cuddle after sex go buy a teddy bear.
(We would buy a teddy bear if we thought you could handle seeing another guy in our bed, you insecure child.)
2. Swallow. Don't start the race if you ain't gonna finish it.
(Try a diet that consists of more than fat, grease and beer so your load doesn't come out tasting like death.)
3. While giving a hand job please remove all rings from your fingers, they hurt really bad.
(We know it hurts really bad. You fucking deserve it.)
4. Shave your shit. Seriously, shave it bald.
(We'll take a razor to our genital area as soon as you let us take one to yours.)
5. Remember that a little blood never hurt nobody.
(That's right. So it won't hurt you to clean it up your own damn self!)
6. There is no such thing as a fat, ugly, blow job.
(No, but there is such a thing as a fat, ugly guy. Get the hell away from us.)
7. If you ask us to any sort of dance that requires that we wear a tie, we expect a sexual favor in return.
(Sexual favor granted, as long as you don't embarrass us on the dance floor. Wearing a tie does not make you Fred Astaire.)
8. If you used a vibrator and let us watch it might be the greatest moment of our life.
(Yeah, here's the problem with that. We know that seeing your competition face-to-face would crush your fragile ego, and we do need you functioning from time to time. . .like in the middle of the night when the batteries are dead.)
9. If you wonder why we will not eat you out it is most likely because; it stinks, its hairy, or it stinks and its hairy.
(It only stinks if there's been a man in it, and as for the hair, refer to 4.)
10. You masturbate and we know it. When you do it just let us watch.
(Your presence would completely destroy the fantasy we're using to get off. Oh, I'm sorry. Did you think we were fantasizing about you??? HA HA HA HA HA)
11. Birth control is the best invention ever. Start poppin those bitches.
(We could not agree with you more. Bringing your offspring into this world would surely land us a special place in hell.)
12. Just cause we call you when we are drunk does not mean that we like you. It means that we need some ass.
(You think we don't know this? Why do you think we never answer the phone? And when we do answer, it's only because the batteries are dead again.)
13. Guys night out means guys night out. It doesn't mean that you and your friends meet us at the bar later.
(You drunken fool! That wasn't the bar we met you at. That was a jail cell we bailed your ass out of, because whenever you hang out with "the guys" you all turn into a bunch of fucking animals and do really stupid shit.)
14. If you wonder why your ass looks fat in those tight pants its because you have a fat ass.
(Speaking of fat, how's that beer-belly comin' along? Mmm, hmmm. You sexy beast! Can I go puke now?)
15. If you are with us and you start to cry for any reason just get up and leave.
(If you are with us and start to speak for any reason, just get up and leave.)
16. Don't think that we don't know that after we take you out and you order a salad to make us think you eat healthy that you go home and order pizza with your fat friends.
(That's only because we know you're too cheap to pay for a real meal.)
17. Once again, seriously shave your shit.
(Once again, seriously, refer to 4.)
18. Just cause you get our dick one night, does not give you any right to get it the next.
(Well, that's a relief! Having to hold back the laughter on consecutive nights is really more than we can handle.)
19. If we drink too much, we do not need someone to hold our hair back and act like our babysitter. We have puked before and know how to handle it.
(The only reason we hold back your hair is 'cause we know you don't have the sense to do it yourself and then you're going to come back to bed with chunks in your hair and want sex. You are completely disgusting.)
20. After we are through with you, do not expect to make us jealous by fucking our friends. We really don't care what you do.
(You think we are fucking your friends to make you jealous? Oh, sweetie, no. We're fucking your friends 'cause they're a better lay than you and just as easy.)
21. If we cheat on you and you never find out about it, then its not cheating.
(If we cheat on you and you never find out, is that still not cheating? Cool!)
22. If we cheat on you and you do find out, at least it wasn't with one of your friends.
(If we cheat on you and you do find out, it most likely will be with one of your friends, but that's okay since you don't really care what we do.)
23. Swallow, just in case you forgot 2 already.
(Yeah, and just in case you forgot already, refer back to 2.)
24. We don't have a problem with watching chick flicks as long as we get in your pants after.
(We don't have a problem watching porn as long as we get good sex afterwards. PLEASE NOTE: We said GOOD, so be sure to have one of your friends nearby and waiting.)
25. Never under any circumstance take a shit while you are around us or fart. Just thinking about it makes us sick.
(Never under any circumstances talk or breathe while you are around us. Just thinking about it makes us sick.)
26. While giving us head don't be afraid to fondle our testicles, they don't bite.
(Speaking of biting, when you are going down on us, please remember this: like ice cream, NOT chewing gum.)
27. If you are gonna jerk us off aim properly, a nut can irritate your eye.
(This one actually makes sense. 1 out of 50 ain't bad! hahahahaha)
28. Always remember that men are the superior sex and back in the day you had to ask us if you could speak.
(Superior sex, you say? Okay, let's take a look at this. Women produce LIFE from their bodies. Men produce snot, gas, spunk, piss and shit. Hmmm, LIFE vs. snot/gas/spunk/piss/shit. . .Wow, that's a tough one.)
29. If we're about to have sex and we decline because we don't have a rubber its not because we're scared we're gonna get you pregnant, its that we're scared we're gonna catch something from your dirty skank ass.
(If we're about to have sex and we decline because we suddenly have a headache, it's because we realized how much you completely turn us off. You are gross. Get the fuck out.)
30. If you swallow like you should, do not expect us to kiss you after. Sorry that's just the way it is.
(Oh, please. If we swallow, you'll be so fucking high, we could have you eating it out of our hand. Don't think we don't know this.)
31. I don't care if you do have a flavored condom, you just don't give a blow job with a condom on. Would you like us to eat you out with a dental damn?? I didn't think so.
(We know you're a man-whore and that thing has been in every hole that would hold still long enough for you to screw. You're lucky we don't put a "HAZARDOUS MATTER" suit on your dick before we blow you.)
32. If we're doing it doggy style there is no reason to turn around and look at us, we're focused on your ass cheeks and that slapping sound.
(We're only looking at you 'cause we're bored and that face you make gives us something to laugh at.)
33. Blood stains on our bed sheets come off with cold water, so make sure you scrub them thoroughly before leaving.
(Oh, good. You know this. Refer back to 5.)
34. When we go down on you to munch on your rug and we instantly start sucking on the inner thighs rather than the clit, its because your clit smells like a dead trout.
(Again, it only smells if there's been a man in it.)
35. If you let us donkey punch you we will owe you for life.
(Sure, you can donkey punch us, right after we take this baseball bat to your crotch. We've always wanted to do that!)
36. Just cause we have sex with you when we are drunk does not mean that you are pretty or that we like you. It means that you were our only choice.
(Yeah, well, guess what? This one goes both ways, sucker.)
37. If we dance with you for more than 15 minutes at a bar we expect you to come home with us.
(This one is so stupid, there is no intelligent response to it. In fact, I think I just got dumber from even thinking about it.)
38. If you think that you are ugly, we probably do too.
(If you think that you are hot, we're probably laughing at you.)
39. Don't count on us saying we love you, its just not going to happen.
(PLEASE, DON'T say it. We don't believe you anyway.)
40. If for some reason we do say we love you its only because we want to have sex immediately after we say it.
(*Ahem* We already know this. I think 39 took care of this one too.)
41. Just cause you have our phone number doesn't mean we want you to call us. If we want to talk then we will call you.
(We know you don't want us to call you, and the only reason you gave us your number in the first place is because you are too much of a ball-less wonder to say "no" to us. And every time we call, let it serve as a reminder of what a gutless pussy you really are.)
42. If you invite us over to watch a movie it would be awesome if we watched a porn instead of a movie.
(Refer to 24, and call a friend!)
43. If you can't dance then you most likely suck in bed. So stop trying to dance and start having more sex.
(Refer to 36.)
44. Hmmmmm......girls in thongs.......yummmmmmmmmm
(Hmmmmmm......men in straightjackets......yummmmmmmmmm.)
45. If you are fat the only way you are going to get anywhere in life is to give great blow jobs. Sorry that's just the way it is.
(If you are fat, the only way you are going to get anywhere in life is to LOSE SOME FUCKING WEIGHT! Sorry, women aren't as easy as boys.)
46. A sure way to keep a guy around for awhile is to have anal sex with him. We can't put into words how it feels.
(Well, if that's going to keep you around, you ain't ever gettin' it!!!)
47. You don't have to ask our permission to make out with another chick. Just do it but make sure we are there to watch.
(Why would we want to ruin such a great experience with your presence???)
48. In case you didn't read 4 and 17 let me repeat...Shave your shit!
(One more time, back to 4.)
49. Guys don't have sex or make love, we fuck.
(Yeah, you fuck. You FUCK UP!)
50. You can impress us if you can swallow our entire load without dripping or wiping your mouth afterwards.
(You can impress us if you can stop writing stupid shit like this and grow the fuck up.)"