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9:41 a.m. - April 12, 2005
And the Hits Just Keep on Comin
I realized last night that I have commitment issues. Yea I knew they were there before but now I have faced em, shaken hands and relized how very comfortable I am with them.

Somewhere in my sordid past I began to believe that it wasnt safe to let people close to me. Male or female really. Despite all the tats and piercings and such I am afraid of the pain of being hurt...Emotionally. So I became guarded and I use this as a constant companion, right by my side.

I have let a few people near and very few close. Being sexually intimate with someone doesnt count really. Thats just physical, not emotional. And it is the emotional I cant handle. I dont let men stick around. I dont care what they have to say. Even now I am becoming calloused toward Adrian and I never thought that would happen.

My track record with men is horrible and that is all...I am fault. Simply because my constant companion 'guarded' gets in my head to pick people apart, find fault and focus on the small shortcomings that probably have nothing tro do with anything. But with 'guarded' in my subconscious, it makes it easy to find reasons to bail. And as ridiculous as a freckle in the wrong place or hair thats messy in the morning I will focus on that til it irritates me so bad I just wanna kill.

I have let very few men close...Adrian, the jew, CK (sorta) and now Lucky. All physical aside I have let these guys know me. And again I am finding myself in an unsatisfactory situation. Just like before I am questioning what I am doing.

Lucky...I do love him...even without the day to day physical I have him so close to me is nuts. we talk 100 times a day, he knows my inner most thoughts...well til now he did...and I have let 'guarded' go away for the hopes that maybe I have found someone that I could be with forever and they get it. Problem is he is married. And as much as he tells me that things there are aweful I dont see him putting forth any major effort to get out. Yesterday he told me they had a huge blow out and he was scared his shit would be onthe street. Nope when he got home, it was okay and he was okay. They still sleep in the same bed, they do things together, they have a life...what am I? A pleasant distraction for him? Im tired of being that and this is what I get for not letting my constant companion 'guarded' steer me clear of this. I TRUSTED and I was duped again. We were on the phone the other night and I said I loved him and he flippied out thinking SHE would hear...if he didnt care about her or was done with her he wouldnt of given a shit.

I havent talked to him today and I think maybe I dont wanna. I need to figure out what to do. I can let him go and keep writing for the magazine, stop all together everything, keep things the way they are...I'm so fucked up. I need to tell him how I feel but will it all go in one ear and out the other and then he ends up telling me what I wanna hear to keep me hanging on? Do I go to LA in July and just see my friends and blow him off? Do I not go to LA? THIS is EXACTLY where I didnt want to be and DONT want to be. I have told him time and time again that I am not comfortable with my feelings because I am not used to them and I am not accustomed to dealing with them.

I have let myself just kinda go since he and I started this dates...nothing and there he is, I am sure still having his happy life, big house, sex with her, party with his friends...all while I am home.

I know what NEEDS to happen..its just so hard since I wanna hold on to that little hope something might change. What if he really is telling me the truth and wants to be with me and is trying to work it out, then I tell him I am done and I have lost my chance for happiness? I guess I need to remember the old addage...if you want something set it free...right?

I am dying inside and is killing me...But I think he needs to THINK.

Moral? Dont fuck with Married men...



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