8:44 a.m. - September 25, 2005
Is it because when the man is not abusive it is so good that nothing compares? Is it because they are afraid that he is their last chance for the 'dream' and they just cant let go because the fear of being alone is so overwhelming it hurts more than the bruises?
I knew from the first week of knowing him that Chris and I were doomed. He was fuckng with my head from the start. Yet I stayed. I can say with 100% conviction that I love(d) him. And I know deep down inside is a great great man capable of so much. However his self destructive path came very close (too close I think) to taking me out with him. Why didnt I leave? Why did I take it? Even tho all my friends said..."Lose Him Vic..HE IS bad news!" I didnt I stuck it out.
I was taken to a place mentally that is just as black and horrible as the worse than hell itsself. I was pushed to a point where I got violent. I dont like that place. I shouldnt be there.
I know he went out last night. I never heard from him. But I know he went out. He had told me he was hanging with his brother Blake...he lies...he had a date...Im not stupid...and see I think this whole 'episode' was to push me away so he wouldnt feel guilty for being a piece of shit. Thing is I think it got more out of control than he thought it would.
What I dont get is...this really bothers me...the whole thing. I hate this feeling and I cant stop thinking about the whole night. How is it he can just go out and not even think about any of this??? Was I so insignificant to him that he can just go on and not even think for one sec about what happened or me...or what good times we had for that matter?
I changed my MySpace page on friday and took everything about him off. He hasnt been online but when he does get on and goes to my site (which he admittingly stalks) he will flip. In the past when we had an altercation I left up that I was 'in a relationship' and had his pic there. Its gone now and I can tell you I will NEVER put anything personal on there again. I have a feeling this is gonna get worse before it gets better. But I could be wrong. The fact that I did hit him may have more affect than I think. He always came back when shit went down..I dunno tho this time it was different.
For the record I have no intention of letting him come back. I dont wanna be near him or be friends with him. He has hurt me so bad. The thing is...and this is what sux...I want him back. I AM NOT GONNA TAKE HIM BACK. But I cant stop my feelings. Its gonna take time. And that is something I have plenty of right now.