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8:35 a.m. - April 26, 2006
The Rise & Fall Of The Great and Powerful OZ
I am, or at least I come across to be a rock. I dont like to let people, anyone, see emotion of any kind that might show me as weak. There have been a few instances over the last year or so that were tipping the delicate balance of my inner strength and pushed me to emotional outbursts.

One was the Idiot. The fact that I couldnt take failing in another relationship. One was the reintroduction to Adrian as a major player in my life. And there were other things too, moving from Cali, making new friends, losing old friends, separation, unitings, money, cars, jobs etc.

I dont break. Usually. Well that was true up til about 5 years ago when the pressure from everyday life finally took its toll on me. My boyfriend and I split, I had a massive car accident, I had lost my job it was life chaos at its finest. I kept thinking "why can I not stop crying?" I tried to fix what was wrong and thought I had. Everything outwardly seemed okay but inside me was a mess. I went to the doctor and six months later the Vix everyone loved was back 100 percent everything was fine....til yesterday.

I woke up in a cold sweat about 2 am. I was freezing. I changed clothes and turned on the heat in the house just to toss and turn and have a fever. I went to work but I wasnt myself and I didnt know what was up. I have had a consistant headache daily for about a year. I kid around saying it is a brain tumor. I have been fine, well with the exception of the headaches and the constant nagging aching back and my burcitis in my hip that gets bad when the weather changes.

I was on the verge of tears all weekend. The kind of tears where a gal would think...hey this is PMS and itll pass.I knew it wasnt PMS and it didnt pass. It got worse. So after a night of no sleep, headaches, fever and a snotty nose and a painful chest I hauled myself into work anyways. I dont tell anyone whats going on with me, they just know when I am not myself and I say I dont feel that good. So being that I wasnt myself I went home at 430 and continued on with my misery. I dont like being a burden. I was a poop and to make it worse, lets not forget the ever looming doom of the naders and the sirens to add to my issues. I didnt even want to get up and go hang with the girls at Christies. I was miserable, scared and I didnt wanna die miserable.

I got up this morning and called the doc. Against anything I believe, as I am a self healer, I went in. I just couldnt take it anymore and I needed to be fixed.

So here we go. Repair for those who are wondering, so I dont hafta go on and is the diagnosis.

I am depressed. Why? who knows. Its not a depression like most people think. It is a number of factors all contributing to me not being happy. I should be happy. I have a fabulous group of friends, a great dog, house, cars, issues but thats normal. So whats wrong? There isnt a definate answer. I have an issue with the Serotonin in my brain. There isnt a trigger. I felt just like this 5 yrs ago and so I am back at square one with anti-d's (SSRI's) and a plan. Number one...take time for myself. I dont do that enough.

Next I had Xrays on my back and right hip and have recieved non-steriodic anti inflamatories. These should help with my pain when I have been laying down and cant walk when I get up. For those of you that lay around with when I get up from sitting after a movie...I dont move like a swan. More like a tinker toy with rust. Its the car wrecks, we have Nogales Produce Company and some psychotic shopper to thank for this shit.

Now My headaches could be contributed to my depression, however to make sure the tumor rumor isnt true I am going in for a brain scan. Neat-o.

Doc says its mamogram time....goin in for that and a PAP...yippee!!

Did you ever watch Sex In The City when Samantha had breast cancer? I am scared to death that could be me. I dont smoke but thats really not a factor I dont think. So yea. Lets watch me freak the fuck out.

I have a sinus infection and a upper respiratory infection plus allergies. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS so thank you Oklahoma for the fever and Doc for the antibiotics. Oh and thank you Oklahoma also for the inconsistant weather that helps make me feel like crap. I dont think anyone can understand, unless you lived there, how really wonderful the California climate is. I had no allergies for 5 yrs. Its almost worth 1700.00 a month in rent to not feel like a walking dripping snout.

Unfortunately the doc wont give me any good drugs yet. We are going non evasive til we pin point what all is wrong. So I was told a couple of good days of rest. I hafta call and get these other xrays and procedures done stat he says. And hopefully when the prozac kicks in good, Ill be back on track.

I am sorry for any wierdness anyone experienced with me lately. And I have made a list of the things that have been bugging me. I am not going to go into that here as they are all kinda personal. But let me tell you, the healing is on its way, just watch that magic of medicine.

Peace Fuckers! Im out for a few!



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