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1:26 p.m. - July 15, 2006
SNOB
I HAVE TURNED INTO A SNOB.

NOT A SNOB LIKE MOST PEOPLE WOULD THINK.

A SNOB THAT IS THE PRODUCT OF MY FRIENDS.

BEFORE I MOVED TO THE ARMPIT I LIVED MEAGERLY BUT HAPPILY. PAYCHECK TO PAYCHECK IN A RENTAL HOUSE WITH 2 ROOMIES.

I MOVED HERE AND HAVE BECOME THE CREATION OF MY FRIENDS. ITS NUTS. IT JUST CAME TO MY ATTENTION WHEN I WAS TALKING ON THE PHONE WITH LESLIE AND WE HAD THIS CONVERSATION:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[SPEAKING OF A MAN I RECENTLY WENT OUT ON A REAL DATE WITH...NO SEX]

ME: HE IS A NICE ENOUGH GUY BUT I CANT DATE HIM EVER AGAIN.

LESLIE: WHY?

ME: WHERE DO I START? I GUESS CUZ HE DRIVES A HOOPTIE. I CANT DATE A GUY WITH A HOOPTIE. ITS LIKE RYANS NEW RIDE. BUT IT IS A LIKE AN 86 CAPRICE.

LESLIE: YEA DONT DATE A GUY WITH A BAD CAR. RYAN...AHAHAHAHA

ME: YOU KNOW THIS IS ALL YOU, AZURA,WENDY, AND ADRIAN'S FAULT!

LESLIE: HOW YOU FIGURE?

ME: WELL BEFORE YOU GUYS I NEVER WENT SHOPPING OR WOULD WEAR PRADA OR FENDI OR MANOLO OR GUCCI OR CHANEL, IT ALL USED TO BE KEDS AND TARGET AND NOW THANKS TO AZURA I AM A SHOPPING MANIAC. YOU POINT OUT ALL THE CUTE YOUNG GUYS, FUCK THESE OLD COCKSUCKER AND WENDY AND HER DAMNED LEATHER FURNITURE! I USED TO HAVE A DENIM SOFA THAT WAS A LEFTOVER FROM WHEN SOMEONE MOVED AND NOW I HAVE LEATHER FURNITURE A 1000.00 DINING ROOM TABLE AND A MOTHER FUCKING HOUSE. THEN DAMN ADRIAN SETS THE BAR TOO HIGH FOR ANY GUY AND NOW I MEET A NICE GUY AND HE IS A WHIP AND OTHER GUYS ARE LOSERS. WHY CANT THERE BE A HAPPY MEDIUM?

LESLIE: WELL I ONLY ACCEPT LITTLE BLUE BOXES AND I SAW A SHIRT FOR YOU TODAY THAT SAID "I NEED TO KNOW WHAT YOU DRIVE"

ME: OH THAT IS SO ME. WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME? THIS GUY [THE NICE ONE], MAN THERE ARE SO MANY REASONS WHY I CANT SEE HIM ANYMORE...CHECK THIS...

FIRST...HE CALLS ME UP AND ON MY VOICE MAIL SAYS "DO YOU REMEMBER THE STRAY CATS?" PUTS THE PHONE TO HIS STEREO SPEAKER AND IT IS QUEEN SINGING CRAZY LITTLE THING CALLED LOVE. THATS QUEEN!!!! DUDE THAT IS ALL I NEEDED TO HEAR IT MADE ME SICK. HE ASKED ME THE OTHER DAY IF I LIKE GORDON LIGHTFOOT CUZ HE LOVES HIM. I WANTED TO ASK "DO YOU LIKE TESTAMENT?" EGAD WHAT THE FUCK? AND HOW COULD I SCREAM HIS NAME OUT DURING SEX? I COULDNT...IF I HAVE A HARD TIME SPITTING YOUR NAME OUT WHEN IM NOT FUCKING YOU...WELL IT AINT GOING TO HAPPEN.

LESLIE: MAYBE YOU SHOULD SWITCH TO THE MIDDLE NAME?

ME: WITH MY LUCK IT IS SOMETHING LIKE "EUGENE". AND YOU KNOW HE COULD CALL AND LEAVE A MESSAGE THAT SAYS SOMETHING LIKE "HEY I KNOW YOU HAVE A LOT GOING ON CALL ME WHEN YOU CAN" AND LEAVE IT AT THAT...BUT INSTEAD I GET "I KNOW YOUR CAROUSEL OF LIFE IS SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL AND I HOPE IT DOESNT SPIN TOO FAST AND THROW YOU SOMEWHERE YOU DONT NEED TO BE...BECAUSE YOU BELONG RIGHT HERE...BLAH BLAH BLAH....I ALMOST LOST MY KFC MAN.

LESLIE: OH THATS JUST WRONG.

ME: I KNOW I HAVE TURNED INTO A SNOB. THANK YOU

LESLIE: WELL YOU ARE WELCOME!


 

 

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