11:52 a.m. - September 30, 2007
Backstabber
I trust you.I give because I was fortunate enough to have had a couple of things happen in my life that caused me forture and also a chance to start over. Not many people get a second chance or a third but I am one of the lucky ones. In some cases I have had more than three chances...and that feeling is euphoric.
I trust you. I believe you.
I rarely let anyone close to me because I lost the ability to trust along time ago. But due to my second chance(s) I have learned to let the past not be an influence or judgement on anyone. Everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt.
I trust you. I believe you. I lean on you.
I let you lean on me. We become rocks and foundations for each other. We make plans. We laugh we cry. We share intimacies, sadnesses, fun, danger, and regrets....together. We are friends.
I trust you. I believe you. I lean on you. I let you in.
You have a key to my home. Access to everything in my life. The things that I hold so precious to me, the valueless sentiments, the expensive possessions. You have free reign to come and go at will. You are the first one I talk to every day and the last one I talk to before I fall asleep.
I trust you. I believe you. I lean on you. I let you in. And you betray me.
You betray everything time has taken to build. You take the one thing from me that I dont give freely and fully, my friendship my trust. You are gone as fast as you entered. I lay here wondering why.
This could fit many people I have met and gotten involved with since I moved to this wretched hell called Oklahoma. Its isnt directed to anyone inparticular. It fits many profiles however and if you feel you might be one of them then you need to think about why, evaluate it and figure out if you can mend it or if it is even worth it. You can ask yourself, or even convince yourself that because of my vulnerable heart and giving personality that I am an easy mark and after dust settles I will be fine with you. Maybe, maybe not. What really happened that broke our bond in two? Can we get past it? Only one way to know is to come to me and find out.
Sorry
There is one person that caused me to write this. They caused me to reflect. Of all the shitty actions done to me over 41 years my sundae is finally topped with a cherry. And due to the extreme size of the knife in my back and the hurt heart and the amazement, I get no explaination. Nope I get a text message with "sorry".
Some actions can be forgiven with "sorry". Some can not. Some actions are so unbelieveable that it isnt only me that it affect but a number of others. My question is an old headline I used to have posted.
"When you look in the mirror, do you like who you see?"
You arent that person in the mirror, or the person you pretended to be every single day. Was it had to look at me every day? Was it hard to look at yourself? Was it worth it? Was it worth what this has and has the probability to cost you? Are you still lying to everyone you see and telling them it was me but you are the victim?
I want to scream.."HOW DARE YOU!!" But I cant hardly speak. I am having an influx of emotions that are so out of control I cant figure out what I feel. Even my worst heartbreaking breakup cant hold a candle to this. I think 'maybe i am in that Indiana Jones movie were that kook rips peoples heart out when they are still alive'. There is no intermisson in this. It isnt a movie. This is reality and when the light comes up in the morning the only thing that changes is a handful of peoples daily routines, on this end.I can not fathom what the future holds for you.
To the others,
To the people who I have been a shit to and have had the ability to forgive me for my selfishness and still be able to pick up like we never parted ways thank you.
To the people recently who proved to me that they are worth it by standing with me when the chips were not only down but were in the piles of shit when it hit the fan.
To the people who believed in me from the beginning even when the evidence laid out doubt.
To my friends I say THANK YOU. I needed you, and you were there. You get it back three times more than you give out. And I am forever indebted to you for the faith. You cant buy faith. So there is a gift tagged priceless.
To the one who caused me to write this, to the other one who took advantage, to the other one that screams at me daily even tho they say they will never call again, and to the ones that have a slight incling to pull some unfathomable stunt that could hurt someone and think it wont ever catch up with you....go straight to hell.
A one word text message cant fix 100,000 terrible things.
Im starting new again and holding those of you remaining close. The influx off emotionsthat I am having go through me right now isnt a feeling I would curse on my worst enemy, even the ones I mentioned above.
I am by no means perfect, but let me tell you this, I would NEVER do anything on a level that would possibly ruin someones life forever. Little spats are nothing. You get through it. This is WAY bigger than any of that.
SORRY? REALLY.
