10:07 p.m. - October 28, 2007
What is it? How do you get rid of it?

"Don't cha wish your boyfriend was hot like me?" ~ Oscar Wilde on himself

"I DIDN'T STEAL YOUR FUCKING BOYFRIEND! " ~ Ashlee Simpson

Boyfriend, latin name boyfriendius luciferious,

Kingdom: Assholius

Division: Innersphincterus

Class: None (boyfriendius luciferious is an abnormal specimen and therefore has no class)

Order: Fuckedupidus

Family: Dreded-mil

Genus: Peaweicock

Unnecessary flap of skin weighing between 150 � 300 pounds in weight, the boyfriend requires constant attention, except when feeding, or unless you would like to give it attention.* Before the flap attaches itself to a host it feeds on a diet of beer and freezer food, progressing to beer and whatever you care to toss it once firmly attached.

It inflates in the presence of other flaps, following feeding frenzies at local public houses, at sporting events and at traffic lights. Particularly useful as a foot warmer on long winter nights and for changing light bulbs. Can put shelves up at an angle. May mow lawn eventually and is prone to burning chicken wings on the BBQ and leaving underwear scattered around the house. Many come with TV remote controls as standard.

The boyfriend uses a different language from you. In particular, when you say "please fuck off", it hears "stay right there on the couch and we'll hump." At which point it is extremely disappointed and may collapse. This is why we do this.

A very popular and essential component of a movie of the chick flick genre, a Boyfriend is usually present to have his intelligence insulted, along with that of the audience's during the entire duration of the movie.

Short attention span, easily distracted by other potential hosts. If left untreated could turn into a husband, the removal of which requires lengthy legal wrangles and a whole heap of money. And a lot of money to get them to FUCK OFF so you are free to.....yeah.

*There is a second type of boyfriend which does not want attention, and will in fact lash out if given any. This subspecies will constantly insist that it needs "space," and will call your attempts to express affection "annoying," "intrusive," "crowding," or "clingy." If you express yourself physically, it will expand its vocabulary to "insipid" and "boring." It may equate you with its mother, sister, grade school librarian, or least favorite checkout clerk at the grocery store and attempt to punish you for their behavior. It may be melodramatic, angry, or generally irrational. The recommended method for removing this type is a good beating about the head- and shoulder-like projections near the point of origin of its snarling or dispassionate vocalizations. See ex-boyfriend.Also see TWAT twat so we make sex rare.

The species in general is hung up with measuring its cock. A strange phenomenon is to repeatedly measure the cock, and continually pester the girlfriend for confirmation of measurement of cock. If this repeated measurement of cock does not suffice (which is invariably does not), the boyfriend will engage the girlfriend to repeatedly account for the cock-measuring of others. Should this go on too long, the girlfriend will find she just can't possibly take any more cock and will sever things. See Lorena Bobbitt.

Part of the reason for this circumstance is the species' inability to understand a good dildo and a ladder will replicate all functions the boyfriend could provide.

The population of specius boyfriendius luciferious has been dwindling ever since the advent of petri dishes, refrigerators and ladies' nights out.

disposal

The easiest ways to dispose of a "boyfriend" are"

1.try to simply "break up" with it, simply say two words, "we're through"

if that doesnt work

2.get a new one
3.say "you're right, we are meant to be, and then purposely get caught getting "personal" with another, for best results a boyfriendius luciferious that is friends with yours.
4.if none of the above work, get a friend, and kill it.

*i am not to be held responsible if anyone should do any of the above*

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