3:40 p.m. - January 15, 2008
Its Like A Faucet
I really dont know what it is about me that makes me able to turn on and off my emotional connection with someone without even giving it a second thought. But I can. Maybe it is because I am a Capricorn, maybe it is because I am a bitch, maybe I dont have the ability to let anyone close enough to me to allow myself to become attached really.
A while back I had a major falling out with a group of friends. I realize mob mentality is worse that single thinking because when it is a mob then no one feels safe enough to stand up for what they want to do. I have always been accused of marching to my own beat and I dont get caught up in mob mentality. If I dont like someone or something it is truly because I dont. Not because it is so important for me to belong to a group that I do what they say.
Out of the mob a few rose above it and stayed friends with me, some waited for the dust to settle and we worked it out, I truly deep inside never stopped caring for alot of these people. However my emotional faucet was turned off to a trickle during this time. I cant be bothered with the drama of picking and choosing friends because of what others think, but I can turn off how I feel and dismiss it til later.
I can have deep hardcore feelings for someone. And if I am caught on the right day, at just the right moment, and they do or say something that tweaks me just a bit, I can go from taking a bullet for them to putting one in them [I say that figuratively] and not thinking twice about it. And the sad thing is that I never even look back.
Mom always said when I am done with someone I am done. She isnt right about much when it comes to me but that is true I guess. My last couple of [for lack of a better term] 'relationships' were a good example. I guess all if this is my way of being guarded. Its a curse because I know I will be alone forever because of it. I am not complaining actually. I have been known to say that I would rather be alone for the right reasons than with someone for the wrong ones. But are my right reasons actually wrong due to the fact I am stubborn? Possibly.
One of the people I first met when I moved to the Armpit berated me in a public place recently and it was for no reason. I cared very much for this person but the lashing out and 'its my way or the highway' attitude just rubbed me the wrong way. The alignment of the planets and my new years resolution [part A] caught me just at the right time that I denounced them as a friend and have vowed, this time to not take them back because they do this to me all the time. I dont want to be around it and frankly I dont deserve it. I care alot for them but my faucet is off and if it goes like I think, its rusting into position on this one.
Another example is someone I love very much blatantly and outright insulted my character. I never saw this coming and it not only surprised me but cut me like a knife so deep I am just not sure if I wont have a permanent scar. Te ever flowing faucet of emotional connection I had for this person has gone to a drip. I was so shocked and taken aback by the cutting words that I am not sure the shock has worn off. I still dont know what I feel but my natural instinct is to just walk away and never look back. Its crazy. And right now All I can say is "Wow, Really? Really?"
I guess there are a couple of reasons for writing this. First if you know me, and it is an in passing thing, choose what you say with caution, about me, to me or about my friends....and if you are one of my core friends, and we need to talk about something just come to me, and talk. I wont kill you and I wont hurt you. I am actually pretty easy going. And for everyone else out there...think before you speak. The next words you say to someone might be the last chance you have to ever talk to them again.
