11:27 a.m. - August 22, 2005
Pain and Torment
Void...
Ifts a feeling past numb. And thats how I feel right now. I stayed home from work today for a few reasond. First...my arthritis in my hip has me in so much pain it is ridiculous. Second I am needing some thinking time.
When I am 'alone'..and by that I mean truly alone and left up to my own devices...I feel lonely, yes but I have only myself to fall back on and only myself to make something different come of it.
Yesterday I felt more alone with Chris here than I feel when I am truly by myself. This weekend sucked major ass to be honest. Me getting him hammered friday and then saturday him storming off and yesterday he didnt do anything but lay around and watch NASCAR. He wasnt even remotely affectionate and I need some attention.
I slept thru him leaving for work today. He didnt even kiss me bye from what I can tell. I am sure if he had he woulda woke me up. Maybe he knew I didnt feel well and thats why he let me sleep? Who knows.
Maybe I am making mountains out of mole hills. I mean when I want attention and I dont get it I bitch and when I get too much I bitch...there is absolutely no pleasing me.
SO I am gonna take a step back from all this and re-evaluate. I havent committed to much of anything yet. So I will see what my mental state is later.
I love Chris with all my heart...and when it is good its phenominal..but when it is bad...its horrid. I cant help but wonder... Is it worth it? Is he just going thru the same things as me? Is this his normal way of being? Is he trying to push me away...and wants me to be the bad guy? Is this a stand off? Or a fledgling relationship having the tribulations early on to get them out of the way?
Stay tuned as the stomach churns...
