11:01 a.m. - February 04, 2005
Im Insane
Im psychotic.
I know this because I look in the mirror and that is what I see..then I read back in this fucking thing and see the whole thing repeating itsself over and over and over...
I told Brandy everything I felt...I just let it rip...and suprisingly enough she was okay with it. Here is the email:
Brandy~
I guess I owe you an explaination for why I have been scarce. I dont really know where to start so I am just gonna let stuff flow off my fingers what is in my head and you can take it any way you want. It may or may not come out right but oh well.
I cant handle the drama with Abi and Dave anymore for starters. You have more than enough men in your life and I am just quite over the flip flopping back and forth. I feel very sorry for both Dave and Abi cuz neither of them really know whats up. It bothers me when you say you love Abi and then the next second you're with Dave and Abi is out and then Dave is out and then you are giving some guy your number. If I have said it once I have said it a million times you need to figure out what you want and stay with it.
What you are doing isnt fair and I cant face Dave knowing that you want to take his shit and he may be out in a month and you sit there and tell him you will move to phoenix with him. Its just gotten to be more than I can handle. I thought you were coming here to get your life on track and it appears to have become quite the opposite.
I am not trying to defend anyone in this matter but me and how I see things and frankly I dont want to be apart of or associated with any of the fall out that may be coming. I am your friend but what ever is going on with you three can not include me in any way shape or form. Im sorry.
Secondly...I am, as you can tell, having a hard time adjusting here. I was very used to my popularity and free for all social life in Cali. I used to go out with Jill, Sarah,Chantel,Britt and Denise and be able to dance and laugh and drink and if a guy came by that was cool but if not no big. It was all about us gals. I miss that. I miss having girlfriend(s) that I can spend time with doing girl stuff. You have told me on more than one occation that you dont like doing what I do and that is fine. I dont want a pity party and I
dont want you feeling obligated to do anything with me. It became apparant to me on saturday that we going in two completely different directions. I need to become more comfortable with who I am and I need to go out alone. And I need to meet people (guys and girls) that have the same interessts as me. I love live music, I am not into shopping. I like Live music you like dance. I can handle going to dance clubs but what I cant handle is getting up to go pee and coming back and being ignored by all the guys sitting with you. They may not want me or vice versa but its just plain rude. When you and I go out I wanted it to be about us...and I have gotten the impression that you are out more to find a replacement for Abi (a man that can dole out cash to you) and a replacement for Dave (a guy great in the sack). I wanted it to be about girls night and it became about You meeting MORE guys saturday and it really got to me and I snapped. It bugs me when we go out and you leave me just sitting there while you flirt and carry on and never tell these guys what the real story is. But more than that it bugs me when it becomes apparant that you forget I am there. it happened at Liquid Lounge...when I asked you a million times to come get that guys friend away from me but instead you stayed outside and left me alone with him. At Flips..you turned your back to me to talk baseball and made it virtually impossible for me to talk to anyone. Little stuff like that hurts and makes me feel that my presence out with you is miniscual and unimportant as you are looking for a new man. Yea I like to go pick up guys too. But, I would never just ignore you if it were the other way around.
It also hurts my feelings that you think so little of the fact that my dad helped you with a car. I know it isnt great but it is better than being stranded. I know you were spoiled to what Abi did for you. But I have to say that I feel you need to know that you can do it all on your own. I dont think you can. It bugged me that you kept saying how much you didnt like the car. All I can say is...if it is that bad sell it. But I cant play taxi so you really need to think about it. You have a gift horse here and you are looking it right in the mouth.
I realize there are different personality types and that is what makes the world as interesting as it is. But I am not a co-dependant type. And that personality type tends to drain me of all my energy. Its sad. I am not saying I dont wanna be friends anymore. But what I am saying is that I need you to get your shit together...decide something and stick with it. You need to take a good hard look at how your actions affect the people around you. And I know I was drinking sat (when am I not) but I had all I can handle of this right now.
What I would like to see is you being alone and working a job and taking care of yourself without Abi paying for you to live here with another guy, be it Dave or someone else. I know you told me you were tired of being the one that always comes to the rescue...but hun one day people are gonna get tired of catering to your moods and just say fuck it...then where will you be?
I have done all I can to try to help you get situated and you havent been alone here for one day. Maybe you need to go back with Abi...maybe not I dont know. I dont have the answer. And I hope I dont come across real bitter...thats not the way it is. I am concerned for you. But I can bear anymore of the same shit thats been going on since day one. I hope you understand that. I need some time and I need a break from the drama. I need to go out and listen to bands and do my work for Lucky and figure out what is good for me now. I need to make some girlfriends that are gonna wanna be my friend and not throw the man factor into it every time. I know that being girlfriends means talking about that stuff. And I want to know whats up with you and going on ..I love you...you have always been a dear friend. But sometimes enough is enough. A little man drama is fun...day in and day out...OLD.
I hope you enjoyed what you and Dave had and I am sorry you threw him out, or not i dunno. I am sure however he will be back. Thats just how it works with you. But I cant be subjected to it. Cuz I feel way to bad for everyone involved and its getting hard for me to keep my mouth shut. My question is when does all this stop? When can you be you without the flavor of the week?
Anyways I dolove you..you are one of my deaerst friends thats why i needed to tel you hoe I felt. I am sure this is random and all over the board. But its just stuff I had to get off my chest.
All my best~
V
And her Reply:
Wow.
Well you are certainly entitled to your opinion and noone has ever accused you of not expressing it. I'm not saying that you're all wrong, but there's alot that bothered me. First, I am very appreciative that your father hooked me with the car, I'm honestly sorry I ever gave you the impression that I'm not. Its a tough adjustment from the Pathfinder, b/c driving makes me a little nervous and it was a tank, not b/c the car is so terrible. I'm sorry you think I don't appreciate what he did, its not the case. As far as the whole Dave/ Abi situation goes, a few things kinda got to me about you being so upset, so here goes- I really didn't realize that I talked to you about it that much first of all. Beyond that, and the biggest thing to me, is that you seemed to decide its mostly my fault and start avoiding me. There's a lot to the situation that you don't know and it hurts that you wouldn't give me the benefit of the doubt, you've known me for years and Dave for a couple of months and yet it seems that you're more willing to see things 'his' way. When I realized, and so did he, that things couldn't work I told him to stay here till he got his act together. I don't want his stuff, but at this point I don't know what to do with it. He disappeared, he's got no friends here that I know of, and his old # has been disconnected. I have no clue what I'm supposed to do, but I know I told him repeatedly to stay and when he wouldn't I told him to pack b/c I'd be out of town more often that not. I realize that you're having a hard time here, so am I. I don't know what to say, I don't want to fight with you, I don't have the energy. I certainly would not have moved here if I'd known it would hurt our friendship. I guess I need to find my own way here, though I'd guess it will involve leaving sooner than later. I could write a marathon email disputing what you said point for point, but I don't think its worth it. There's alot alot you said that hurt, and alot that I don't agree with but mostly realizing that someone I considered a friend for so long thinks so little of me. Anyway, I hope things get better for you here.
B
And my reply:
Brandy
I dont think little of you..I have known you forever and I love you more than anything in the world.
You have been my friend regardless of anything and I wouldnt trade that for the world. I dont want to fight I just needed to get some shit off my chest. In getting older I have gotten a bit more sensitive to my needs and to have someone ask me "whats up with you?" or "How are you?" and mean it sincerely makes all the difference in the world. Sometimes I need a little more girl and a little less guy...does that make sense?
Im am by no means taking sides with Dave. I have been telling you from the get go what was going on was way to fast and way to much too soon...outta the frying pan into the fire if you get my drift. I have no empathy for that situation because you both let it happen. He let himself get caught up in it as did you. And he is weak. Just like I said you are prolly the hottest chick ever glanced his way...no wonder he would quit working to covet you. Makes perfect sense. What I have a problem with is how it is so non chalant to you. Your IM this morning seemed like you were laughing about it and frankly that whole situation is a mess. Regardless of anything people have feelings and feelings get hurt...and Karma comes back to bite you in the ass no matter who you are or what you do. I dont know what to tell you to do or how to handle a situation like that because I dont let that type of thing happen to me. I feel pity for Dave but I also blame him for it too. HOWEVER...its not my problem so I chose to butt out.
I am not electing to ignore you. But I want you to get your head together without any type of sway from my opinion or going out or whatever. I think you need to. And you need to figure it out on your own. Whats right for you. Your moving here isnt hurting us...what is hurting is that you cant be alone with me and hang out without it being about Abi,Dave or whatever guy is at the bar.
When we went to Flips I wanted to be with you...have a few drinks and talk. We havent done that at all since you got here without interferrance from SOMEONE..Dave, Abi, some cornhole coming up to hang...and it bugs me. I need a girl friend..not to feel like a pathetic 5th wheel and that is where I am right now.
You know I love live rock and punk and glam music and you are welcome to go with me where ever I go. But if it isnt something you think you would enjoy I would rather you just say no than go and be miserable. Especially when I have to write a review. There is so much to see and do here and it is so hard to do it
alone. I wanted you here so you and I could figure our lives out as friends togehter...hang out and have fun. Hun you had a man before you ever even got here. We as friends like this never had a sporting chance. Maybe its me..I dont need a man...sure I want one but I dont need one. I guess its different for you. I dunno and what works for some wont work for others. I dont expect you to mirror me by anymeans and my life is no where close to perfect to say the least. But please have respect for me and my feelings too and that I have things going on in my life that as tiny as they may seem to you is monumental to me.
What I want is a girlfriend...like I said..not someone that makes me feel old or like a 5th wheel.I wanna be here for you but I also need the same respect in return. I love you with all my heart just know that. And remember I am here if you need me. We both need to find our own way here and I guess it also hurt me that you would come here and I became just a neighbor and not a friend because of Dave. It bothered me that you were barely here and gotten a foothold and already saying you and Dave were going to Phoenix. Brandy I not only wanted you here I needed you here. I dont wanna be here forever. I wanna go back to Cali...but I owe it to myself to prove to me that I can make it here. Just like I did there. Like I said before you are welcome to go with me to any shows I attend. I love hanging with you. But I dont want it to be work I want it to be fun. And in order to have fun you need to get your personal stuff with the men handled...flirting is okay but be honest too. I am sorry I am preaching..its not my life its yours. I wanna be friends...like always and I harbor no hard feelings. I am just tired and depressed right now and need fun so bad its killing me. I cant handle drama i need a chaotic free environment for a while. I dont know what else to say. I am here is you need me. I hope we can still be friends. Just try and see
my side a little from time to time and ill do the same in return.
And her Reply:
I was laughing at the situation with Dave because at this point its better than crying. I know that I have a responsibility in the relationship not working, but I also know that I tried to do right by him. We realized not so much together as much as at the same time that things just werent going to work, BUT I tried to get him to stay until he could get his act together. I still care about him, and I'm worried. He has no friends here, no phone, no where to go as far as I know, and I certainly have no way of getting in touch with him, he gave his keys back to his old place the other day. When I threw his clothes down the stairs he was still here and I was angry as hell that he'd walk out with nowhere to go. I would have stayed on the couch. I am more than aware of karma, I don't want anything bad to happen to him just because we're not right together. I'd much rather be feeling uncomfortable with him here than wondering if he's ok, which is the situation now. At the same time I don't want to see him again, I don't want to backslide, and with his things here there's always the possibilty of him showing up. I dont know how I'm gonna handle it, but I seriously think I'll call the police & find out what I can & can't do. In hindsight I realize that the IM may have sounded callous, but it was more like I've spent enough time crying over everything, I just can't anymore. I've realized that I need to meet people here that are not you, Craig and Dave. I love you all, but I think we're driving each other nuts because we dont' know anyone else. I'm sooooooooo ready to go out tonight, but I can't even figure out how to figure out where to go hahahaha there's websites and magazines for things like that in Boston & southern cali.
I know that moving here has been really hard on you, I think alot harder than its been on me. The Phoenix stuff was alot b/c I totally expect to wake up one day and find out you've packed your car & gone back to cali. I certainly wouldn't fault you, I just want you to be happy, but I do keep expecting it to happen. I guess at this point I realize I need to take more action, though its so much easier to stay in my pj's & mope, that hasn't worked so well. I'm going to go back to MA for a week or two when Abi gets back from Japan & see what happens there, with him and my friends, but I'm certainly gonna keep my place here until I'm really sure. I never wanted you to feel like a 5th wheel, I swear that night at flips I thought the young one was more into you than anyone was to me. I'm always going to be more comfortable with a guy in my life than not, everyone has their faults and I guess thats one of mind. Good or bad I don't expect that it will change. However I can certainly go out & have it be about us, not someone else. Anyway, I want to make more of an effort to find the fun here and if you want to do it with me, great. I promise there'll be no Dave or Abi talk. If you don't I totally understand.
B
Long story short we are cool and we went out to Skyy Bar last night. It was neat. Free Drinks and no cover..hell even if they guys are ugly its tolerable. We met these hockey players from the Colorado Eagles. They were here playing the Blazers tonight. One guy was totally cool but when I looked him up on the website he was...YEP...MARRIED...
Well anyways I intend on staying home tonight and going to BricktownLive tomorrow night to see Bishops Alley...Yea Brandy will go but kn0w that she knows how I feel ... I can shut her up if I need to...
Oh and Christine...you go hooker!!! And I am getting better...and I think you are right about the weather..its hard to be sexy when you are bundled up like the pilsbury doughboy...
Love ya!
Im out
