8:44 p.m. - January 12, 2008
Armadillo Education
Armadillo
The Armadillo is a carnivorous quadruped of the American Southwest, especially Mexico. Among Americans, the armadillo is most famed for its starring role in the music video Rock the Casbah by The Clash. It is also a well known fact that armadillos are resposible for everything that goes wrong in the world.
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Appearance, Diet, and Behavior
The armadillo is a repti-mammal. This means that it is part reptile and part mammal. The word Armadillo is Mexican for "The Walking Human Arm Which Resembles Both a Reptile and a Mammal". The armadillo was named so because it resembles a large human arm. It also looks like a large penis ( having an erection ). The skin is scaly like that of a reptile, yet the creature has hair, which is a characteristic of mammals.
The armadillo is a highly aggressive, territorial creature. It feeds on small children, rodents, and anything with a pulse. These behaviors have led to many confrontations between man and armadillo. Since its discovery, the armadillo has competed with man in order to survive.
Armadillos. which are experts at cammoflage, are beginning to seek refuge on people themselves
Habitat
Armadillos thrive wherever humans are found, such as slums, cantinas, dumpsters, Wal-Marts, Home Depots, and taxis.
The man eating variety of armadillos are also known to inhabit Long Island New York.
Armadillo Attacks
The incidence of Armadillo attacks has risen dramatically in the past 28 years. Unfortunately, growing human populations have encroached onto the armadillo's natural habitat, which has lead to a rise in deadly encounters. For example, in 1967, only 113 people were killed by armadillos in the United States. However, by 2004, there were over 200 billion armadillo-related deaths in the state of Texas alone. It is predicted that if left unchecked armadillos will cause the extinction of the human race by 2025.
What to do in Case of An Encounter with an Armadillo
If you are enjoying a day in the slums, dumpsters, or retail stores, or taking a ride in the back of a taxi in the Southwest, it is advised that you keep a sharp eye out for armadillos. In order to steer clear of them, it is wise that you follow the 5 Basic Rules of Armadillo Avoidance.
- 1. Look for Armadillo tracks and fresh scat. For that matter, look for armadillos.
- 2. Listen for Armadillo calls (resembles the sounds made by children with The Most Severe Form Of Mental Retardation )
- 3. Try not to roll around in areas that are permeated by the estrus scents of female armadillos.
- 4. Stay away from armadillo burrows.
- 5. Keep your face well away from the ground at all times.
- 2. Listen for Armadillo calls (resembles the sounds made by children with The Most Severe Form Of Mental Retardation )
Dont be fooled! Its not a HUG he is looking for!
The following rules are a list of What You Should do In Case You Are Attacked by a Wild Armadillo. This is the most extreme of circumstances, but it can happen. These guidelines will prepare you to take action if you are attacked
- 1. Do not fight back against an armadillo. This will only cause additoinal injuries.
- 2. Dog urine and feces are natural armadillo deterants. If you happen to be carrying either of these two items, use them to your advantage.
- 3. If bad comes to worse , and an armadillo tries to maul you, the safest thing to do is play dead.
- 4.If the armadillo continues to maul you after you've assumed the prone position and are not moving, just wait for the pain to subside. Most fatal armadillo attacks end within 10-15 minutes.
- 5. Remember, killing an armadillo is a serious offense in the state of California. Killing an armadillo carries a fine between $50,000-$80,000,000,000.
- 6. Always check if it is just drunk. Armadillos are ALL notorious for being alchoholics, this drunkenness leads to further visciousness, don't touch one if it is passed out; you will die.
- 2. Dog urine and feces are natural armadillo deterants. If you happen to be carrying either of these two items, use them to your advantage.
National Armadillo Day
National Armadillo Day often causes the death(s) of many foreign nationals in North America because they confuse it with a holiday. No, Armadillo Day is in fact a day to stay indoors because there's goddamn armadillos out there.
An Armadillo about to Attack
